I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
