If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
