I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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