I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
