I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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