Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize