Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
