i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
