No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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