her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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