i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
