i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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