Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
