I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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