So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
