A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
