Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
