When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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