No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Randomize
