Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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