i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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