Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
