I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
