i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
