please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
