I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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