I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
