I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
