Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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