Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
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