woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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