does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
