So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Pooping to opera.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
