Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
