I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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