I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
