god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
