sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
