Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need moral support for this bender
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
