Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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