She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Sext me about skeletons
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
