apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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