I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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