I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
