the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
