battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
