So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
