So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
