were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
