you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
