My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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