We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
