Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Boobs speak an international language.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
