i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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