Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
