I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
