I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
