The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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